Hahaha …yes I am laughing as I write this and I am in a matatu.The person sitted next to me must think that I am crazy but I am not, before she sat on her seat it was occupied by the conductor and when he left it I was left laughing my heart out.
If you use public transport then you are familiar with the conductors and generally the whole matatu culture. Sometimes it can be entertaining, others annoying and some downright disrespectful. I woke up in a very jovial mood today so when I got to the stage and the “konikodis” were throwing their usual comments on my way,I smiled, nodded my head and wished them a nice day.
” sasa brownie?” ” Auntie si uniachie hata kanamba ka kiatu,” and on and on they went till I got to the matatus heading where I was going to.
The matatu was empty but I didn’t mind because at this hour it would only take two minutes for it to fill up,so I got in and settled in my sit. I was busy chatting with some friends in watsup that when the sit next to me was occupied I didn’t look up but when its occupant started talking I had to put my friends on hold;
” Sasa msupa, si kama kawaida leo unatumaliza,”
I frowned but he ignored my frown and went on…
” Kuna vile hii story mimi sitaikanyangilia tena, wewe huni murder mbaya mbovu. Mwanamme ni kufungua roho,mwanamme ni kujitetea bwana, ama unasema aje? Cheki tu vile tunaeza make couple ya maana.” With that he leaned towards me and I leaned away.
” Wewe ni msupuu si siri, na najua mafala wengi hukumezeshea ,najua pia saa hii unanidharau tu lakini hebu nicheki vizuri, cheki hizo macho, mmh macho za works hadi kwa giza zumulika kuliko torch, cheki hizo lips, si hadi unazimezeshea? Unaeza zikiss?” Mmmmh…? Was he really serious? but instead of being offended I let out a laughter.
“Aa, si saa hii nawewe ,hii ni ithaa ya works but maafter hours tukituliz mtaani.Au unaweza nikiss saa hii?” Dude really! ” Mtoi wa mine na we anaeza kuwa miss world wacha miss Kenya. Na usijali juu ya doo me nitahustle day and night uishi ka queen.”
The matatu was filling up and he had to get up to give space to the passangers.
” sasa kabla niondoke unadai aje hii story? And I politely answered ” Nishanyakuliwa” but he was not giving up,
“Lakini ng’ombe hali nyasi akamaliza,”
” pole, maze hatuwesmake.” I replied to him.
” Huyo mzaiya amefanya ulenge njaro zangu na power hivyo lazima awe mtu wa maana, basi shikilia na usiwachilie na incase aku disappoint si unajua tu place yenye utaniget.Kama vile Jaguar husema me nita kutunza ili unizalie siwezi ka kuheartbreak, sawa msupa, kaa ukijua wewe ni wanguvu.”And off he went.
Now you understand why I am laughing and I am just about to alight. How fast time flies when you mind is occupied. These guys can be mean and nasty but I learned while I was in Nyeri where conductors undress people for ” indecent dressing ” that being nice and not being nasty to them will save you from embarrassing moments and if you take them lightly you might just end up with a good laugh. My stage
“Poa msupa, kesho pia ni siku.Twende dere!” Off the matatu drove away.
“Haiya! malaika huonekana huku pia?”
“Madam si wacha tu niwe bodyguard wako leo, free of charge.”
I walk away a trail of comments behind me. They are not always nice but these are their konkodi moments let them enjoy it.